Within the pages of this book,
A secret has been buried;
Encoded with words of today;
Hidden by an unknown author.
As the suspense grew inside of me,
I let myself be carried in the moment;
Be drowned in the events written
Where the hidden shows its hints.
Flipping through the leaves of knowledge,
The untouched philosophies
Of this shrouded wisdom
Began to unveil before my eyes.
I was swept away into the center
Of such expanses of intelligence
Where the world has yet to unravel
The understandings that improved them.
Lost within my thoughts, I let the story
Take me into its cloaked core.
I can already see the outcome,
Yet I continue to embrace this chronicle.
And as the ending is at hand,
Mixed emotions began to stir me.
The thinness of the last chapters;
Disappointment is also at hand.
As I closed the book before me,
The story is still in my mind.
And so the day grew darker by the minute.
As the silence grew by the window...
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Woow... that hit the spot... I guess that just proves that we all aren't that perfect...
Hello!
The first and fourth lines: I really hate the repetition of is at hand. You don't need to use the same words to say the same thing, in fact, you probably shouldn't. Why not disappointment is also near or close, or something?
The second and fourth lines: I love the idea, but I don't like how you could have so easily connected these two lines and didn't. Because the third line is a fragment, first of all, which sounds a little odd. But you spoke of mixed emotions and then you only say disappointment. What about the excitement as everything is wrapping up, or the relief as a character gets what they want, or trying to read slower so it lasts longer, or whatever? In my opinion, you could do so much more with that idea, and then it just...falls flat.
Within the pages of this book,
A secret has been buried;
Encoded with words of today;
Hidden by an unknown author.
Very, very nice first stanza; it sets up the poem well and it's pretty, too. I do have issues with the third line though. First of all, the way I'm reading it, at least, the rhythm is off and I think it needs another syllable so what about within words? Second, I don't like the words of today. It's one of those bits that doesn't actually mean anything, but is just filler words, which is icky. Remember, in poetry, every word counts.
As the suspense grew inside of me,
I think the sudden change of tense here is a little jarring. Just my opinion; but I'd change this, and the rest of the poem, to present tense. I think it would, instead of simply telling a story, bring the reader along with the speaker as they delve into the book.
And as the ending is at hand,
Mixed emotions began to stir me.
The thinness of the last chapters;
Disappointment is also at hand.
As I closed the book before me,
The story is still in my mind.
Again with the tenses. Can't say 'as' and then have both past and present tense, because 'as' implies simultaneousness; the two actions are at the same time, so one can't have occurred in the past while the other is still happening.
And so the day grew darker by the minute.
As the silence grew by the window...
I think with a poem as long and as good as this one has been, you need to have a stronger ending. Actually, I think you could have just cut out these two lines, ended it with the story is/was still in my mind and had a better ending with that, though that would have ruined the structure. But yeah, this needs to be stronger. End with a bang, not a whimper.
So I know this review has been awfully harsh and I'm sorry about that, but it's because this is a good poem. Really, really good, and something that we can all definitely relate to. And good poems need improvement. You obviously have a way with words; please keep writing and editing and improving [And remember that this whole thing has been just my suggestions; feel free to follow or ignore.]
Hope that helped.
-Mars
Wow, this poem was basically flawless. It had imagery, punctuation, grammar, correct spelling, correct formatting, and it was just well written in general. Ooh, I went back and reread it, and now my head is spinning trying to figure out what it's trying to say. Not in the unorganized "what the heck is this" sense, but in the "oh my god that was really good and so descriptive without really saying what it was" kinda way. Wait, does that make sense? Basically, it's the good sort of trying to figure out what the poem is. Trying to take away meaning from it. OK, I'm going to stop trying to be all profound and just say amazing job.